I saw the phrase ...calcium and magnesium ions, which make water hard..." in my chemistry lesson today and my brain couldn't stop turning. You've got to admit that not only the concept of hard/soft water but also the particular phrasing of that is nothing less than suggestive. Oh man, I'm sick and weird :P
So, this is short and insane...
The calcium and magnesium ions giggled excitedly as they slipped into the water, squealing in delight as their compounds dissolved and they bounded happily, freely through the water.
“Ooh!” cooed Ca2+, revelling in the cool feel of the surrounding water molecules, “this feels good.”
Mg2+ sighed in happy agreement, then wriggled flirtatiously around a H2O molecule.
“What do you think, dihydrogen monoxide?” asked Ca2+ coyly, knowing what the answer would be – the terrible twosome could make the softest of water hard.
H2O groaned as the ions writhed shamelessly.
“Oh, you’ll be the death of me – ohhh,” gurgled H2O as the pert little particles slithered and slid. Ca2+ and Mg2+ really could fit in any nook and cranny...they caressed the water molecules wantonly.
H2O was getting harder and harder, trembling at the sensations the cheeky little ions were causing as they embraced his molecules, slipping right in between the hydrogen bonds between the molecules to reach that spot...
“Are we making you hard, water? Are we?” asked Mg2+ breathlessly. Ca2+ moved faster and faster, infiltrating water’s most secret places.
H2O shrieked. “Oh, calcium! Magnesium! Your ions make me hard!”